Cold Feet
by starofhades
Summary: A series of parodies set in the Rurouni Kenshin universe. ParodyLime
1. Cold Feet

COLD FEET

* * * * * * *

DISCLAIMER:  I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, Makimachi Misao, Saitou Hajime, or Saitou Hajime's ass. 

The premise for this one is simple:  the idea is that all of the Saitou-Misao blanket scenario fanfics ever written are simultaneously true in the RK universe.

If you've written a Saitou-Misao blanket fic...  don't think of this as parody, think of it as an homage.  

* * * * * * *

_Why does this always happen? _Misao found herself wondering once again.

_Why do I keep finding myself stranded in this abandoned cabin?  In the middle of a blizzard?  Huddled under a blanket with Saitou Hajime?_

_It's like a bad dream.  _Misao glanced over her shoulder at Saitou, who was lying on his side behind her, eyes closed, the warmth of his breath tickling the chilled skin of her exposed shoulder.  _Saitou's not a bad dream.  He's a nightmare._

_A nightmare with an ass to die for._

Misao sighed. _ It's like I'm trapped in a series of fanfics whose authors can't think of a better way to get me in the sack with the Wolf of Mibu._

_Maybe I should listen to Jiya when he complains that he can tell a snowstorm is coming because that old knee injury of his is acting up._

_Maybe I should take the time to make a girl friend or two so that I'll have a warm place to run to the next time I realize that Aoshi is never going to like me **that** way._

_Maybe I should stop wearing shorts when it's ten degrees below freezing outside. _

The gruff, amber-orbed, very naked cop lying next to her eyed Misao's shoulder with barely-suppressed lust and pressed his warm body more snugly against her, while still somehow carefully managing to avoid touching her in any way that might be construed as being anything other than an attempt to save her from impending death by hypothermia.

_Saitou.  He's saved me from freezing to death...what?  20 or 30 times? _ It was kind of weird, actually, how he always seemed to be in Kyoto during the worst blizzard of the year.  Every winter, he'd be working on a case in the forests outside of town, slogging through snow drifts as deep as his heavily-muscled thighs.   He'd find her lying in the snow, unconscious and shivering, her lips turning blue and her hands and feet numb.  

Saitou always found her after she'd succumbed to the cold, but before she'd been exposed long enough to suffer frostbite or any other serious damage.  Then he'd heft her over one strong blue-clad shoulder, carry her to this same abandoned cabin, strip off her wet clothes and try to warm her up with his own body heat.

_Why does he keep doing it?_

A wry voice in her head suggested a possible answer to the indecipherable conundrum that was Saitou Hajime.  _It probably helps that you fuck him after you wake up._

Misao wondered what kind of case Saitou was working on that brought him out here in the middle of nowhere every winter, and what evidence he was expecting to find buried under the snowdrifts where Misao inevitably passed out.

Come to think of it, didn't Saitou mention something last year about planning his vacation time so he could come to Kyoto to play in the snow?  And hadn't she overheard him saying to Aoshi-sama last week that he'd bought a little cabin in the woods out here?

Misao shrugged, forgetting that she was having a conversation with herself, and that unless there was a mirror somewhere in this hovel, she had no way of seeing the shrug. 

_It's probably just a coincidence._

The cabin was small and dusty from disuse -- it looked like it hadn't been lived in for years.  But there was always a half-burned candle lying around, and the lumpy old futon with one blanket.  Really, the blanket was intended for one person, which meant that, if she wanted to stay warm, she had to snuggle up pretty close to Saitou.

She rolled over to face Saitou, who gallantly kept his hands to himself while she settled her nubile goosebump-covered body closer to him.  He smirked at her with his trademark 'Love Me, I'm a Bad Boy' smirk(TM).  "Your feet are freezing, Weasel."

"I hate it when you call me 'Weasel!'" she snapped.

"What's your point, Weasel?" Saitou smirked snidely (and alliteratively).

_God, it turns me on when he talks like that._  Misao hoped that he would think her shiver of arousal merely a reaction to the chill in the air.   _He sounds so sexy.  So masculine.  So delightfully irritable.  _

"Are you shivering with arousal, or are you just cold?" Saitou asked, his mesmerizing amber eyes flickering along with the candle flame.  He tucked the blanket up under her chin, the gesture simultaneously tender and sarcastic, and his out-of-character niceness caused desire to flare through her belly.  _Either that, the ohagi I ate for lunch were a little on the old side._  Indulging in some OOCness of her own, Misao leaned forward and kissed him.  He responded ardently, claiming her lips with his own, the smirk(TM) never wavering.

"Wow, you can kiss and smirk at the same time?"  Misao was so impressed that she forgot it's impossible to speak intelligibly when you've got your tongue down someone else's throat.  "You are good."

Saitou, who heard "Mmmmph hnnnnn mmmmmm mmmphm hnnn,' took charge of the situation with a point-of-view change, and broke the kiss reluctantly.  "What?"

Misao blushed, appalled at her own lack of modesty, an emotion that should not have been mentioned at this point in the text, because the point-of-view was now firmly in Saitou's powerful grasp, along with Misao's perky 16-year old left nipple. _ It's a good thing that Meiji-era Japanese women are considered sexually- mature and of marriageable age at 16, _he mused_.  If we were in America in the 21st century, Misao would be jailbait and I'd have to arrest myself for gently caressing her breasts like this._

Saitou positioned himself over her, raining soft, fluttery kisses on Misao's breasts.  _Should I let him do that?_  He lapped at her nipple with the flat of his tongue, sending a warm tingle down her spine.  

_On the other hand_ -- Misao reasoned, using the part of her brain that had thought it would be a good idea to fall in love with Aoshi, a man who paid more attention to his hair than to her -- _sex that results from a noble attempt to save someone's life by warming them with your own body heat doesn't really count, does it?  _

_So technically, I'm still a virgin..._

 She moaned, arching her back in pleasure.  "Wait... Saitou..." Misao gasped.  "Aren't you married?  What about Tokio?"

"She left me."  Saitou allowed a haunted look to pass across his features briefly before he resumed swirling his tongue around Misao's erect nipple.

"Last time you said she died."

"Yes."  He moved to the other nipple and began suckling in a way which suggested to Misao that, although he was enjoying her breasts immensely, he was definitely haunted by the departure and subsequent death of his dear wife.  "She left me and then she died."

"Oh," Misao breathed, her eyes filling with tears of sympathy.  "I guess it's okay for us to do it, then."

* * * * * * *

After several more hours of ensuring that Misao would not, in fact, freeze to death, Saitou got up out of the futon and began to get dressed.  In spite of the fact that his clothes had been soaked when he'd taken them off and that they'd been draped over the back of a chair all night in an unheated cabin in the middle of a snowstorm, they were completely dry.  _Thank you, laws of anime physics_, he smirked gratefully.

Misao interrupted his thoughts.  "Saitou... what about us?  We have a relationship now.  Right?"

"Of course we do, Weasel."  He kissed the top of her head.  "It's just that you'll be having your half of the relationship here in Kyoto, and I'll be having my half back in Tokyo."

"The snow seems to have stopped.  Want to come back to the Aoiya with me for dinner?" Misao asked hopefully.

"I can't, Weasel."  Saitou tousled her hair in a final display of OOC affection.  "It's a week's walk back to Tokyo and I promised Sano that I'd tie him up and drip hot wax all over his balls."  He winked at her, and Misao blushed, even though her training as a member of the Oniwabanshu had led her to think of hot wax on genitalia as a technique more suited to the interrogation room than the bedroom. 

"Oh...!" she gasped.  "You found about... Sano and Kenshin?"

"You mean Sano and Megumi."

"Right," Misao replied quickly, using her years of ninja training to cover the slip.  "Sano and Megumi."  She thought for a moment.  "What's the occasion?" 

"It's Sano's birthday."  Saitou smirked hungrily at the thought of chaining the rooster-headed street fighter to his desk and slapping the younger man's tender buttocks with the week's worth of unfinished paperwork that was doubtless awaiting his return.  And then the hot wax...  Yowie, but that's going to be fun!

"But...but, Saitou..."  Misao's lower lip began to tremble.  "What about me?"

"You don't have balls, Misao."  Saitou extinguished the candle that had been burning on the table, dumped out the molten wax that was still pooled at the top, and shoved it into the chest pocket of his uniform shirt.  Then he smirked cheerfully and waved goodbye to the green-eyed, raven-haired ninja.  

"See you next winter, Weasel!"


	2. Hot Wax

HOT WAX

_**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, and if I had any brains, I probably wouldn't even admit to having written this fic._

_The premise for this one is simple: the idea is that all of the Saitou-Sano lemons ever written are simultaneously true in the RK universe. I've written this second chapter as a response to the Sour Lemon challenge that was issued on the RK Bad Boys list._

_If you've written a Saitou-Sano fic... don't think of this as parody, think of it as an homage._

* * *

Sanosuke regained consciousness slowly, his eyes fluttering open below long, dark lashes that were the envy of every woman who knew him. Even Jou-chan. He was naked. His arms ached. When he tried to move them, he realized that his wrists were bound together: he was tied, spread-eagle, to the top of someone's desk. 

Sano yelped, writhing as droplets of liquid, excruciatingly hot, splattered over his testicles and clung, lightly burning the sensitive skin. It took him a moment to remember where he was – Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department headquarters. More specifically, he was in Saitou Hajime's office.

Today was Sano's birthday, and life was good.

"Again," he moaned sensuously.

The blue-clad cop was standing behind the desk, looming over Sano, a stubby lit candle in one white-gloved hand. The ex-Shinsengumi tipped the candle, a precise movement, and the exquisite searing sensation that resulted made Sanosuke's erection twitch with excitement. "Like that?" the Wolf of Mibu smirked.

"Hai, demo…" Sano hesitated. "…ano… Saitou… when do watashi get to be seme?"

Saitou smirked with irritation. "Stop mixing Japanese and English, ahou. The readers don't speak Japanese. Yes, all of them know that 'hai' means 'yes' and 'watashi' means 'I'. Some of them know that 'ano' means 'ummmm.' And a few of them probably even know that 'demo' means 'but'." Saitou paused to lubricate one of his fingers and insert it roughly into Sanosuke's ass. "But only the perverts will know that 'seme' refers to the top in a dominant-submissive relationship."

"Demo, Saitou…" Sano grunted as Saitou performed the yaoi ritual of preparation for anal sex: first one finger, then two, then three. "…dare is going to read this besides the hentai?"

"You're such an ahou, ahou." Saitou growled.

Sano considered this statement and decided that it meant: _I love you, Sanosuke, you brighten up the dark corners of my soul. Keep doing exactly what you're doing right now._

Sano was about to ask Saitou to hayaku up, but just then the door opened. It was the Broomhead.

"I told you not to disturb me when I'm questioning a witness," Saitou snapped as he removed his fingers and penetrated Sano with his massive cock, eliciting a wild moan from the boy.

"Sorry, Boss," Chou replied. "Thought you ought to know that Shishio has escaped from the maximum security prison in Kyoto." The blonde paused, and gave Sano a deliberate once-over. "Nice legs, Roosterhead."

"Stuff it, Broomhead," Sano retorted, but his heart wasn't really in the exchange. He couldn't tear his gaze away from Saitou. Those eyes –- they were the color of that really old yellowish stone, the stuff they sold at the marketplace with unfortunate insects trapped inside.

Sano was so lost in his musings that he didn't even hear the door close. Saitou had begun to move inside him, and the gentle movement awoke a pleasure in Sano that was both familiar and new every time. Sano and Saitou had had many such encounters, some loving and tender, others sadistically violent. And in many of those encounters, Sano had been a virgin.

_Can that be right?_ Sano wondered. He sighed. _Maybe the word "virgin" doesn't mean what I thought it meant._

Saitou began to thrust faster, cooing endearments, which Sano found it unnerving. He loved Saitou, but sometimes their encounters were…odd. The things that Sano found himself saying and doing, Saitou's frequent out-of-character behaviors –- for some reason, once they were in bed together, the two of them acted the way a woman might imagine that two gay men would behave during sex.

Sano sighed again. He found Saitou's uncharacteristic tenderness disturbing, but at least his sometime-lover and occasional life-partner was still smirking. Sano trailed his hand along the ex-Shinsengumi's collarbone. "Remember the first time we met?"

"You mean at the Kamiya dojo? When I stabbed you?"

Sano nodded. "I get hard every time I think about it."

Saitou's smirk got smirkier. "And you wonder why you're always on the bottom."

"The first thing you said to me was, 'hello.'"

Saitou's eyes narrowed to slits. "And you made fun of my squinty eyes…" He slapped Sano on the ass, hard enough to make the young fighter gasp with painful pleasure. "You really ought to stop reminding me of that, ahou."

Sano could tell that Saitou was close to climaxing, but he was holding back for some reason. And now that he thought about it, the cop's ki had a haunted feeling to it, almost sorrowful.

"Dooshite, Koishi?" Sano asked, knowing that the Wolf hated it when Sano addressed him with sappy endearments. Saitou always said that it made him feel like he was "the girl" in the relationship.

"Tokio left me again," Saitou moaned in melancholy ecstasy.

Sano blinked, his surprise at the statement distracting him from his own impending orgasm. "I thought you said she was dead?"

"She is," Saitou replied, reaching between their sweat-slicked bodies to stroke Sano's throbbing cock. "But her ghost hangs around the house a lot. Or it used to. Until last night." The Wolf of Mibu groaned and kissed Sano viciously, causing the younger man to explode all over Saitou's chest and stomach.

"I think she's haunting someone else now."

Sano gasped as Saitou growled and lost control, spilling his seed into Sano's tight, hot asshole. "Sweetie-pie," the Wolf whispered into Sano's ear, the warmth of his breath causing Sano to shiver with arousal, in spite of his recent orgasm.

Later, as they lay curled up together on Saitou's desk, Sano found himself unable to sleep. "Saitou," he whispered. "Are you awake?"

"I am now, ahou." Saitou kissed the back of his neck. "What?"

"I was just thinking…" Sano began. "You're a famous samurai turned cop and I'm a cocky loser with a gambling problem and a heart of gold." Sano rolled over so he could stare deeply and longingly into Saitou's eyes. "But what if things were different? If this were an alternate universe, you could be a high school teacher and I could be one of your students…

You could be the editor of a newspaper, and I could be one of your employees…

You could be a vampire, and I could be one of your victims…

You could be a wise but demanding Jedi master, and I could be your apprentice…"

"Sanosuke," Saitou broke in, his eyes gleaming with brutal affection. "If you wanted to act out one of your fantasies, why didn't you just say so?"

* * *

_Thanks to hajimenokizu, Sosoru, Sensoo, L. Sith, Lady Lu Bu, sora7, Mary-Ann, Kenta Divina, kamorgana, and Firuze for your kind words of encouragement!_


End file.
